Believe me, I looked. I could find very little in the way of a how-to for flying with very young children. To be sure, my wife and I found some good hints that we had to amalgamate into a plan, but nothing comprehensive. So, here's an attempt to summarize what we learned. I'll try to tackle it in order of preparation.
1. Buy the child his very own seat
Dollars and cents first. Yes, the airlines will allow children under two to sit in an adult's lap free of charge on domestic flights. Please note that this is for domestic flights only. The rules are different for international. Here is what you can expect on an international flight: your child sitting on your lap pays 10% of fare and taxes and fees. If you are lucky, take 10% of your ticket cost and add it on for your lap child. But it could also be 10% of full coach fare (assuming you fly coach), which isn't too likely to be what you paid. And then there are taxes and fees. The airline may allow you to pay 10% of your taxes and fees for the child, or they may require you to pay full taxes and fees.
So much for the money. Now for the safety. Children, properly restrained, are safer in their own seats. Young children cannot fly with the lap belt alone. They need something else. Car seats are an option for domestic flights, but they must be FAA approved: check your car seat's manual. Another option for some children—those between 1 and 4 and 22 and 44 pounds—is the CARES restraint, which is smaller and weighs much less than a car seat. You can buy it at kidsflysafe.com. It's very easy to install. The only warning is that some foreign countries may allow you to use it on flights and others may not (Ok for flights from the UK).
We used the CARES restraint with our 17-month old daughter over four flights. She hated it. We liked it in flight. We loved it in the terminal. There was only a tiny pouch to carry. She was secure in her seat during takeoff, landing and turbulent skies. It probably would have been much better had she been a little older and could understand the necessity of using it, but you can't have everything.
Another potential option is a car seat, but make sure that it is FAA approved and fits within the airline's size guidelines for car seats. Check their websites for more information.
A child in her own seat is by far the more comfortable option for parents. It is also safer.
2. Or not
All that said, my daughter has taken the dad's lap seat for domestic flights. It's not much fun, but it is manageable. Since I do not like the idea of our daughter flying in my lap with nothing holding her down in rough skies, I have used Baby B'air. It is not FAA approved for taxi, take off or landing, but is quite useful for turbulence. I used it and liked it enough to use it again if needed.
I know people fly with lap babies all the time, but the difference in your comfort is almost impossible to measure. Ever had a baby pee on your lap twenty minutes into a three-hour flight? It's not fun.
3. Bring dry snacks for takeoff and landing
Seriously, bring snacks. Most kids don't know how to equalize the pressure in their ears, which can be a problem for some on takeoff and landing. A ziploc bag full of a favored cereal (and you know which round, oat cereal I refer to if you have young children) will work wonders. The innovation we discovered is to make sure that you have two bags: one for take off and another for landing. Trying to put the bag away may make for a scene.
If your child is not yet eating solid food, a bottle of milk (or breast) will do the same trick. In the United States, the TSA is allowing liquids in greater quantities than 3 oz. if you are traveling with a small child.
4. Bring toys in a clear plastic container
Another sanity saver. Our daughter has discovered that the plane is no place to nap. There are so many things to be distracted by. But no matter how exciting the plane is, you will need to provide additional distractions. Hit the thrift store and buy some small toys at prices that make them disposable, because it is very easy to lose small items on the plane. We found that combs, mirrors, stickers and board books worked well. I can imagine matchbox cars would work too.
When we did this on our recent long-haul flight, we found that we could reuse toys from one flight to the next. It is not necessary to break the bank on this item, but it will provide a welcome distraction.
5. The diaper bag
Good news. Your diaper bag doesn't count against your carry-on luggage total. Bad news. You still have to carry it with you. Whatever you do, pack enough spare diapers to last out any unforseen delays. You will thank yourself.
6. The big day
This is it. The day you fly. Show up with plenty of time to spare. The airlines will tell you how early you should arrive. Expect at the very least that boarding will begin about thirty minutes before your scheduled departure time.
If you've prepared well, it should be a snap. If you are checking luggage, you get to wait in line. Otherwise, check-in from home using the airline's on-line check-in to print your boarding passes. Think of it as skipping one of the lines at the airport. In any event, do not check your stroller at this point.
7. Security
I won't discuss how I feel about the TSA, but instead try to provide some practical tips for how to make it through with as much dignity as you can muster.
Once your bags are checked and boarding passes are in hand, proceed to security. In all of my travel over the last year, I doubt I've waited more than twenty minutes in the TSA security line. It can be boring for kids and possibly frightening due to the possibility of TSA agents screaming directions. Try to ignore the screamers as best as you can.
At the first check point, you will need photo id and boarding pass for everyone over 18. For those under 18, you should only need a boarding pass—provided you are flying domestically, otherwise you will need a passport. Passports, which are relatively inexpensive and are good for five years for children under 16, are a great form of photo id. Passport cards, with which I have no experience, are even better. At the very least, bring a birth certificate. This way you will have no argument with the airline over whether the child is eligible for boarding as a lap child when you go to board the plane.
After your boarding pass has been inspected, you will need to head to the x-ray and metal detector. If the option exists, you want the family line. No matter how savvy you are with security and no matter how many times you've flown on your own, dealing with young children will slow you down more than you can imagine. Here are the hints for American airports: 1. Wear shoes that are easy to get on and off both you and your child. 2. Take off coats and shoes, empty pockets (you remembered to leave the nail clippers at home) and put it all in bins. 3. Pull out your quart-size zip-top bag of liquids and gels. 4. Alert baggage screeners to any liquids for your children you want to bring through the check-point. 5. Fold your stroller up last.
It will be easier to have both mom and dad traveling together at the security point. Or one parent and another family member. I can't imagine how hard it would be to do this as a solo traveler. You will have lots of stuff–and even more with winter coats—rolling through the x-ray machine and be putting several people through the metal detector, so you'll need at least two responsible people in charge. One person takes the kids, the other manages the stuff coming out of the x-ray machine.
Be smart. Make sure everything that could set off the metal detector is off of you. This includes change, cell phones and belts. If in doubt, take it off. You want to do everything within your power to avoid any chance of a secondary screening. If your child should get selected for the secondary, make sure you are not separated from your child or your stuff. Bad things can happen. According to the TSA's webiste, they will not ask you to do anything that separates you from your children. Hold them to it.
Believe it or not, this is not the most difficult part. The rest of your time at the airport will be dealt with keeping boredom at bay. The only good news about this is that your child can walk around at the airport with your supervision, provided your travel partner will watch the bags.
8. The gate
Since you still have your stroller with you, the first thing you need to do upon arriving at the gate is to get a tag to gate check the stroller. It is free and easy. If you have a long layover at another airport, check the stroller only as far as your layover—no matter how funny the gate agent looks at you, just do it. Three hours without stroller at a strange airport may make a difficult situation worse.
And since you've prepared yourself, you'll be ready for boarding when your group is called. Do not expect that families with small children will be asked to board first, but be pleasantly surprised should it happen.
If your seats are not together, stay calm. Gate agents want to help you. They are probably on your side, but they may have limited options on crowded flights. Same with the flight attendants once you are actually on the plane. If you want to switch seats, try to offer good seats for bad. No one really wants to switch from a window or aisle seat for a middle seat. Chances are quite good that this passenger has deliberately selected a window or aisle seat. Likewise, seats near the front are better than seats near the back. Frequent flyers know where the good and bad seats are, so don't be surprised if your offer to trade a middle seat for an aisle on the bulkhead gets turned down. If that can't be managed, see if buying a drink will get you the seat swap you want.
There are many options—putting a three-year-old in a seat next to a stranger and encouraging him to cry isn't one of them—be creative. I don't need to sit with my wife if she is with our daughter and vice versa. Keep your mind open and you'll likely get what you need, but maybe not everything you want.
9. Attitude management
The hardest for last. Let me tell you a sad story about parental expectations:
Once, a family flew to London. Because mom and dad had been overseas before, the knew the importance of setting their body clocks closer to the destination's clock before leaving. Their 17-month-old child did not. Once the flight began, they were happy. The child had her own seat between mom and dad to go to a fun place. She even had oat circles to help equalize pressure in her ears on take off. Once in the air, mom and dad wanted the child to sleep, but she had other plans. The plane was an exciting place filled with other people to grin at and magazines to pull out of the seat pouch. No sleep was going to happen.
She was put down to sleep and began to cry. Mom took her to the galley to quiet her. No luck. Dad took her to the galley to quiet her. No luck. Mom and Dad were very angry. They wanted to sleep, but could not. Dad wanted to lock the child in the plane's lavatory and tell his wife he was never traveling with her again. This went on for hours.
Then dad realized that his expectations did not match with what might actually happen. He changed his attitude toward his daughter's sleep and his ability to cope with the situation changed immediately. He was much happier. Instead of forcing the child to do something she didn't want to do in a stressful situation, he let her do what she needed to do to make it through.
Do I need to tell you who that is?
Seriously, try to keep your expectations low for what your child can accomplish on the plane. It is unfamiliar, stressful and boring. My daughter wanted to play on one flight and sleep on another. She hated being strapped into the plane's seat despite loving her car seat. I could not have predicted this. Ever.
Had I not fought her method of dealing with the plane on the terror flight, she would have played happily the whole time. Instead I had the screaming toddler bringing shame on me. I never thought I would have that child on the plane. Well, I did. Now I know that no matter what discipline regime goes on at home, rules need to be relaxed on a plane. You are on an aluminum tube going through the air with many people you don't know. An unhappy child is stressful for you and them. A happy child on the plane makes it easy to begin enjoying your time away from home sooner rather than later.
Now, get out there and earn your wings. You can fly with small children. If you have any feedback, please drop me a line via the comments. Like every family affair, this is a work on progress.
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